why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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