are you still at the devil's house?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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