Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
