Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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