So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize