1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
