I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Can Purell be used as lube?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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