would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
