Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize