Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
