So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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