Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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