Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
