i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I have already put on my inside pants.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
