I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
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