On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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