My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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