they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
