weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize