if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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