I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
