Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
