apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
