Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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