Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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