you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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