I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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