Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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