Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
