I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
