she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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