Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
