I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
