Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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