just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
