I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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