you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
