My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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