tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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