Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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