As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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