I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
