she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
