If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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