just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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