I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
where does the pee come out of this thing
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
