I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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