My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
