the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
