How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Man, jail baloney is awful.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
