Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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