Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
