I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize