When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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