I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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