her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
