you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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