We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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